Before meeting the man I would say “yes” to, my expectations and understanding of marriage were a little confused. Most people’s marriages I knew about were struggling.
They were arguing most of the time, blaming the other for everything and worst of all, they were miserable.
And for the longest time, I wondered “where did it go wrong”? For centuries, there has been a plan designed for marriage:
You find the guy of your dream.
He eventually pops the question.
It’s been a long time coming, so you say yes.
You plan the perfect wedding (after fanatically sharing the news with everyone).
Yay !! You got married
And now you live happily ever after, right?
Well… not really. That’s why I wanted to share with you, a few things I’ve learned from my little time being married.
You know… explain what’s really going on after throwing the party of a lifetime. Once the flowers, the guests and the euphoria are gone 😉 !
1. Marriage is not a fairy tale
We were told that every story must end with a sugarcoated happy ending. But marriage is different. It’s a journey full of ups and downs.
And sometimes, the downs feel heavier than the ups. For some reason when we enter it, we believe in this myth that our matrimony should be easy and perfect when in truth it isn’t supposed to be.
And that’s why sometimes we feel frustrated, hopeless and give up.
Marriage is hard.
Because it takes two to make it work. It requires, to forgive, to look the other way when one messes up. To go through hardships together and not lose sight that we are in this together, for the long haul.
Marriage is before any of this, a promise made to the other, the joy of having a companion by your side, the chance to be loved by someone just as much as you love them. And also the blessing of starting a family.
Marriage is beautiful, but no one said it would be easy.
2. Love is not enough to make your marriage last
No matter how many times we say it, it is always good to remind ourselves that love isn’t everything in a marriage. Love is a feeling just like anger, joy, and sadness.
So it changes intensity. It can be strong or weak sometimes…
But don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Being in love with your partner is important.
However, loving your partner when things are rough, when you hurt one another, when you want to pack your stuff and leave is even more important.
Your husband is not only your lover, but he is also your friend, your confidant, your teammate with who you share the good, the bad and the ugly.
3. It used to be about you, now it’s about us
Marriage has its way to make you rethink about what comes first. Before getting married, you may have separate accounts, separate houses, schedules and so on.
After getting married, depending on the type of marriage you have, you come to understand that what is yours, is his and what is his, is yours.
Probably not everything you possess, because I’m sure you man will never need your menstrual pads, but once you’re married, there is no place to be selfish anymore.
You are two individuals creating a future together.
For a very long time, I was afraid to talk “finances” with my hubby. It was hard at first because I didn’t want to impose him my point of view or feel like I was using “his money”.
But I was wrong.
Your husband is the only one who sees the most vulnerable parts of yourself. He sees all of you, every day at your highest and your lowest. And the same goes for him.
So don’t be afraid to discuss with your hubby about anything, he has your back.
Makes “cents” right 😉 ?
4. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship
In a recent post, I wrote about letting go of our need to be perfect. I mentioned how learning to communicate better is mandatory to improve the way we interact with others.
This is also true for your marriage.
Spending so much time with someone increases considerably the number of misunderstandings, disagreements, and fights in a relationship.
The key to the survival of your marriage is to learn how to express your feelings with respect and kindness.
You could be really mad because your man did something that displeases or angers you.
But learn to get your point across the board without calling the in-laws, throwing plates and blackmailing him to leave (been there, done that and it still not working hehe).
The cool part about marriage is that as you grow older each day next to your significant one, you learn to forgive and to let go. So much so, that the things that used to drive you nuts make you laugh today.
5 . Kids change your relationship dynamic
Once you have kids, the dynamic between your husband and yourself change considerably. Not because there is less love or because it has something to do with your body (like many of us women think after giving birth).
It is just bound to happen. Having a child means putting his/her need above your own. It means less time for date nights with your significant other and more time answering one thousand and one questions your child has about the universe.
Sometimes, I catch myself wondering if my husband loves our children more than he loves me. And I’m sure he does. But see, this is not the question we should be asking ourselves in the first place.
Can you love the fruit without loving the tree? I don’t think so.
The secret is to understand love evolves. Just like your family status. At first, there is this thrill to get to know each other, then comes the passion, followed by a love deeply rooted in each of you.
And from there it blossoms into a beautiful relationship that makes you soulmates and each other’s secret guardians.
To get back to the subject, of how kids change the relationship between husband and wife.
I just want to say that the best solution is to work around it. You need to make time for the two of you even if it’s to eat dinner and watch a nice movie together. Creating a new activity or starting a hobby together.
Something that has helped my relationship tremendously, has been to increase nice little gestures once in a while. I love to write my husband a note, or a joke, offer him little gifts and do things I know he really likes.
What are some of the things your hubby likes the most you could do more of?
On a final note…
There is so much to say about marriage, that a lifetime wouldn’t be enough to explore the dimensions of this sacred union. But I wanted to share with you 5 life lessons I’ve learned from my little time being married.
I want to close this post by sharing a fear that I had for the longest time and still have sometimes…
I was scared that my marriage wouldn’t work because of all the negativity you hear about marriage when you talk to elders, your family, and your friends… Then you realize that each marriage is different.
Each marriage is a chance to live a colorful journey with someone.
Marriage is what we make of it, one day at the time.
Share your thoughts in the comment section!
→ What is your biggest fear concerning marriage?
→ what are your top 3 reasons why marriage is such a beautiful experience?
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